de evolution (a breakdown to get back up)

October 26, 2018

The whole world looked one way. I tried for years to understand it and then I tried for years to master it. I never did. After a long time I told myself I had started to grasp  how things worked. I thought I had learned enough to navigate the paths of existence and understand my place in it.

I made things work for me, I greased up the gears and the machine was rolling— churning out the products I needed— moving through the sky and sucking in the clean cool air.
I felt like I had it somewhat under control.

Now I have noticed a change. I can’t see as well as I once did. My eyes have begin to fail a bit — dimming has occurred. Sometimes I walk into a dark room and feel as though I am blind. Perhaps some of this is due to the fact that my perception has changed. I can see but my mind can decipher all the factors in the same capacity.

I feel like I am looking through a tinted glass. I feel like I have been reading a story and the type on the paper has begun to degrade a little. The letters themselves aren’t quite the same. The bits and pieces of the characters have broken off so as I read all the sudden I loose my place. I cant finish the sentence. I can discern the meaning.
This is how I feel about my mind, my artistic being. I can’t see as well and my mental interpretation of everything has broken down a few degrees.

I start to draw or paint and what I want to create and the result of my efforts are two different things. I have a great frustration inside and cant make things work out as I had planned.

All of this is forcing me down a new path — a de-evolution of my mind — A breakdown of my thinking. The path of normality has cracked and weeds of frustration have sprouted through the sidewalk.

I don’t know where this will lead me. One day perhaps I will simply draw a line, or a rounded blob of color is all I can create. Everything I ever wanted to express is now condensed to a solid shape interacting with another sold shape — no words, no faces, no details. These internal struggles and changes make me wonder. What is next? Maybe a couple rounded shapes on a page will be all I need. Maybe it will stay the same. Maybe a bolt of electricity from the heavens will restart my thought process and send me down a new trail. I like to listen to the sounds of a small creek in the mountains. I like to see my baby boy smile. I like the wind in the tops of the trees. I like the way a soft yellow cake smells.

see you soon,
Kyle BlackCatTips Brooks