Black Sheep (black heart)

June 10, 2015

I have been painting in the sun— the bright sun where I look for shade. The bright sun where dark glasses and long sleeves and a bandana are a must. The sun makes you think.

I have been thinking about the 23rd Psalm. The Lord is my shepherd. He leads me to green pastures. I want to find green pastures. I want to find peace. I don’t know where these thoughts come from. They just show up and I look at them a while. I see a babbling creek and cool green grass and a tree to lean against and daze the afternoon away. I want to daydream about daydreaming— Smoke a pipe and watch the birds fly by. I need a shepherd. I need a break.

I used to own four goats and I learned what it means to be a shepherd. To lead wandering brainless idiots through peril.— lost in the woods. I understand the metaphor.  I am a black sheep.

I am a black sheep that can’t seem to do anything right. A black sheep who wanders and does the same stupid things over and over and almost eats the poison plants and almost falls over a cliff and cuts up his legs on the briars of despair. I understand because I am the black sheep who needs more hope than all the rest. I know I am. I live with myself.

I know I am saved and I know about the miracle of Grace but how can one like me with my dark thoughts and wandering mind be worth saving? I paint black hearts because of the symbolism inside of me. I want to be full of love and I know at times I am but I feel plagued by this dark black heart. I paint the black heart because I deal with it everyday.

I am a sheep but I am a black sheep and the sun is so hot.

– kyle